My Decisions, Explained

For SOA, Bosch, Legends, etc.…a set of thoughts that I’ve been putting off for a very long time…not that I felt it was needed to write or share about this, but I guess on some level, I realized I did.

For SOA, Bosch, Legends, etc.…a set of thoughts that I’ve been putting off for a very long time…not that I felt it was needed to write or share about this, but I guess on some level, I realized I did. Maybe it’s for the people who know me from these shows, and have supported me, or maybe it’s for my friends, and my own need for some sort of recognition of the professional life I had, so much a part of who I am, and yet what now feels so distant; another life. This is a tribute to my acting, with a level of transparency.

I feel like, if I’m going to put myself out there, then an explanation for the shift in the public part of my life, should be explained. Let me try and do a long story short. I began acting professionally at the age of 12. What I consider the job that started it all for me, was a BBC mini-series of the Scarlet Pimpernel. It was the first time I was told I had something to give, and was capable of doing it. That’s when I got my first agent in London. From there it all moved progressively forward. I quickly got representation in New York, and a few years later, after working on a lot of foreign productions that shot in Europe, I landed in a prestigious management company in Los Angeles. It would be years later that the audition for Sons of Anarchy came in. Lyla was meant to be a ‘one episode and done’ character, but after I finished shooting, Kurt Sutter came up to me and said, in so many words, that they had ‘big plans’ for me. Six seasons later I wrapped on the show that gave me my footing in ‘Hollywood’.

Was Lyla the most artistic role? The most rewarding as an actor? No…and, in fact, there was some heart ache. Scenes I shot, where I felt I could finally sink my teeth in, were edited into a fraction. I desperately waited for that episode that would drive my character in an interesting direction. But this wasn’t my show, and that’s the beast of this business, and I learned to realize that. It took me a while to grow my protective skin in this industry. To feel my sense of power, and not feel like my emotions and life were at the hands of movie and television executives. The rejection in this field of work is immense. You are a commodity and when they need you, they want you now, and if they don’t need you, your left in the wings, holding your breath…All of that being said, I am still one of the fortunate ones. I was able to work for three decades, I was given experiences that I would never otherwise have in my life, opportunities to be grateful for, and met some life-long friends along the way. When I auditioned for Bosch, quite possibly my favorite role of my career, I was three months pregnant with my first child. I remember going into the audition, not sure what I was doing there, being pregnant and hiding it, while feeling such a deep calling for something I could feel was so much bigger than anything I had ever done: Motherhood. Needless to say, I booked the role of Amy Schneider.

It was after the birth of my third baby that I could feel what had gradually been shifting in me, becoming unavoidable. I was physically and mentally exhausted, having two very young children plus an infant. I was exhausted by the entertainment industry. It was changing and shifting with the times, as industries do, with new platforms (streaming services) and catering to the world of social media, something I really never cared for. Social media was a beast (and still is) in and of itself. I kept making clumsy attempts to put myself out there, as the pressure to book jobs all became intertwined with your number of followers. I would make a push, and feeling ridiculous, I would pull back. My presence on social media was in waves, and it all felt insincere and overwhelming. I continued to audition after my youngest was born, but it was kindred to pulling teeth. My husband (my camera man, lighting guy, director and scene partner) could feel my despair and exasperation.

It wasn’t until this last February that I confronted a huge decision that needed to be made. It was a tearful, painful admittance: it was time to pull away. And when I made it official, a huge weight was lifted. I knew I had made the right decision. I don’t know what will be in the future, but for now I know that I am happier, and more self-confident than ever. My role as a mother has taken precedence, and for the moment, I don’t want it any other way. I am taking the time to raise good humans, while concurrently being made into a better version of myself.

One thing that I cannot escape, however, is the pull from my innate artistic nature. I am, through and through, a creative dweller. Whether its design (house flipping renovations), fashion (I come from parents who had their own successful clothing label), writing, or photography (thank you, Dad, for those genes) I am my most vibrant and happy when I can create. After this tedious journey through social media, I am realizing that, perhaps, I can make this space my creative outlet. It’s compelling for me to think of it as a means to express myself through all these artistic avenues. I hope you all continue to follow me on this journey, and consequently, I hope I can be of some inspiration, as I discover and fumble down this unexplored path. With gratitude…

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